I don’t have someone that I can talk to about everything. i don’t feel comfortable talking to my friends about most things. I wonder if I’m always going to be like this. most of the time, i just let my friends see anger and frustration. they don’t know how sad i can get, and how i get when i’m sad. i still can’t tell n because i feel like he’ll get mad and call me stupid. it’s lonely not being able to get some things out.
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I hide my crazy well. On the outside, I look like a normal girl, I go to class everyday, go to work when I’m scheduled, I keep my body in shape (for the most part), and most people think I have a good head on my shoulders. Sometimes I cry uncontrollably when I’m alone, I take pills and other medications to keep me high, or sleeping because I can’t handle reality. I cut myself to feel better, and I often think of suicide and killing inconsiderate people, like my neighbors. I stay with my boyfriend because I hope that he’ll finally grow up and become more responsible, but I can feel myself falling out of love.
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My boyfriend has a big extended family. They all really like me, and I like them, but 3 years later I’m still not comfortable being around them. I’m barely comfortable around his mom, and she’s absolutely treated me like a daughter. It makes me feel terrible that I feel this way. It’s because I can never relax. I have to be perfect, I have to have the right answers to the questions, I have to look good, I have to do everything right. I can’t look bored even if I am, I can’t be too attached to my phone even if I want to be just so I can try to calm down. It just causes me a shit ton of stress and anxiety. I want to cry just thinking about it. It’s something he doesn’t understand, and he never will. I didn’t come from a large family, the tiny family I did have broke apart many years ago. It’s just me, a person who supports me financially, and that’s it. That’s my idea of a family. I can’t even let my guard down around my own mom, so how am I supposed to do it around his family? I even told my friend that I have this vision of them doing it just to take in the poor girl who doesn’t have anyone to be with during the holidays. It doesn’t help that I’m already completely different from them. I think this year I’m just going to skip out on the festivities. If I feel like crying right now, who knows how bad it’s going to be then.
Next there’s christmas. My mom is once again going to shove the idea of family down my throat. WE ARE NOT A FAMILY. That ship sailed years ago. He makes you happy, that’s fine. He lives here, that’s fine, but don’t call us a family.
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Pretending like I’m okay. I wish I could go back to when I felt like I had friends. Not just people who occasionally want to talk/see me. I feel so lonely.
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I often post things just wishing you would come across an open tab on my laptop. Here and on Livejournal…if you ever did, you would finally know how your girlfriend feels, and just maybe you’d understand why none of this is easy for me.
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There was a time where my life was coming together nicely. I loved my school, I loved my boyfriend, I just loved where my life was going. When I look back at that time, it simply makes me feel depressed. My job makes me feel incompetent, because quite frankly, I am when it comes to autoparts, every since this one fight I had with my boyfriend, I haven’t been the same. I can’t be myself, I have to hide any emotion that isn’t happy, I feel terrible all the time, and I can’t figure out if he really means the things he does. My future is going no where. I’ve failed in every way possible. I hate myself and everything about me so much. Lucky for me, tomorrow is going to be my party for my 21st…lucky for me that I’ll have to spend all day tying not cry, and putting up the best front I have.
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I had another breakdown today. It was building for at least a week, and I could feel that I was going to freak out. It was my first in a few weeks, but this one was bad. I haven’t been this bad and shown it in years. Crying, cutting, and calling. It was embarrassing. He said I’ll be okay, I almost wasn’t.
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I should have died the last time I tired. I had alcohol and sleeping pills, way more of each than any 115lbs girl should have. As I laid on top of my friend’s legs, I could feel the life slipping from me. It felt as if I had drank a gallon of nyquil. I fought the urge to puke. I figured it was a good sign, a sign that the two have combined in some way, and it really was working. It was after a party at my boyfriend’s place, so there were people sleeping on every piece of furniture. I just remembered how I thought it would be so horrible for my friend to wake up to a dead girl sitting on his legs. I looked at each person and said my good byes in my head. No one knew what I had done. My boyfriend then decided to call it a night. I tried one more time to lay down with him, and he said yes. I almost couldn’t get up. My body felt so heavy. I laid there and kissed him good-night. I was positive that I wouldn’t wake up in the morning. I did. Over the course of the day, my friends thought I was hung over. I couldn’t keep my eyes open for more than 2 hours, and I fell asleep in various areas of the living room. I told them it was because I mixed alcohol with pills. I told them one. I didn’t tell them how many I actually took. 4 and a half months later, and I’m still struggling to not kill myself. I should have died that night.
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My eyes and head hurt from crying. I took all the pictures of my friends down. I don’t need uncaring faces to be there anymore. I also took the pictures of my boyfriend down, and put everything he gave me under the bed. This made me feel better. He only cares about me on the days that we’re supposed to hang out. I’m just his part time girlfriend. I don’t need to see all of his things to remind me of that. He says he misses me, but yet doesn’t take open opportunities to see me. This has always been a problem with us. He doesn’t see it, but I do. It makes me feel so worthless. The only things I can rely on are my bad habits. They have never let me down, and have been with me for so long.
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I posted something earlier and now it’s gone…I feel so empty now. No one knows how I felt this morning.
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When I look at this site, I typically see posts about being depressed and sad. I, for one, am no exception. I have quite a few posts here, some when I’m signed in, and some when I’m not. Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. I’m not sure if everybody who see’s this celebrates or not. I do, only because the people that I care about do. So whether you choose to celebrate it for yourself, or for someone else, let’s all just still take a brief time out and say a quick thanks for what we do have in life.
If you feel like you have absolutely nothing, how about something some people may consider to be small…like having access to a computer. Take care everybody.
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Ever since my boyfriend of 2 years said he was moving over 1,000 miles away, I haven’t been able to sleep without sleeping pills, and trying to function normally has been a task. He has less than 3 weeks here, and I can’t fully enjoy the time with him.
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