For the past few hours at work, I have found myself repeatedly googling phrases like “existential crisis” and “want to kill myself”. I stumbled onto this website by searching “life is going absolutely nowhere”. I don’t really believe anything will come of my posting, but I feel like I’ve exhausted all other options at the moment and do not know where else to turn.
I am losing my will to live. Frankly, I don’t know when it started. It’s been going on for years. I am now 25 and I do not see myself making it to 30. I’m not saying this out of desire for pity. In fact, avoiding pity/concern/ridicule/etc from the people in my life has been a primary motivation for bottling it all up so well I guess. Those closest to me can tell I’m unhappy, but they have no idea the degree. If they knew how miserable and close to the end I truly am, I know it would only terrify and sadden them to the point that it might actually make me even more likely to commit suicide. Understand, at the moment I really don’t want to die, I just see no purpose/meaning/future in my life at all and am running out of ideas/motivation to fix that.
I am not religious and will never be in any traditional sense again. I was as a Christian as a child, and most of my family still is, but I grew as a teenager to no longer believe there was much truth to the story I had been fed. While I know a great many find comfort in it or similar worldviews, I cannot bring myself to pretend I believe in things that I do not.
The closest I’ve come to escaping my depression I guess is through romance. Being able to bring happiness to someone else’s life (not to mention raising children) has always been among the deepest goals of mine, but given my general awkwardness with people and the flimsiness of my own happiness, it is also very difficult. The few relationships that I’ve managed to land have all dissolved in ways which I now believe were almost undoubtedly my fault. Sadly, I don’t forget my failures. They weigh heavily on me and make each new attempt even more perilous.
I don’t know what else I can say for the moment.