I think I’m depressed. But I don’t want …

I think I’m depressed. But I don’t want to tell anyone, cuz people already have their own problems, so why make them listen to mine?
I think I’m depressed. I dunno. People see me as the sweet quiet girl, who’s life is always happiness and sugar. They don’t know how much pain I hide every day.
No one does. I don’t even tell my family, cuz they get annoyed with me. I don’t really tell my parents about how I really feel about things. I’m too afraid to, I never goes well. I’m afraid that they’re verbally abusive. I’ve looked up countless verbal abuse websites on the Internet, and they all describe my parents way too well.
All my siblings think they’re way out of line too. But I don’t want to tell anyone. At the peak of their worst behavior, just when I think I need to do something about it, they suddenly act all nice, and than I feel bad for being mad at them. Then later they do it all over again. They’re only nice to me when I’m doing something for them. Everything they “have” to do for me is a chore. I’m always the problem.
As you nigh have guessed, I have a hard time opening up to any I my friends. I don’t want anyone to find out about the pain. Most days I go through some period of hopelessness and self hatred. Sometimes I almost start crying at school. But I never let mysalf show my true feelings (I’ve become quite skilled at this. It almost an art form. Except now it’s like a compulsive behavior).
It’s the only thing I lie about. I hate lying, by I always lie and say I’m okay. I even lied to my pastor last Sunday.
I usually wait till I’m home and then hide on my room and cry, or I cry myself to sleep at night. But lately I haven’t been able to cry, and that scares me.
I just want want someone to hold me in their arms as I cry and tell them everything, and when I start to cry so hard that I can’t talk anymore, I just want them to hold me close and extra tight, and tell me that it’s alright.