I’m in love, I think. I’m disgusted by myself truly and really honestly disgusted by myself and I …

I’m in love, I think. I’m disgusted by myself truly and really honestly disgusted by myself and I don’t know if I’ll be able to change it in time to enjoy certain key moments in life that I have coming up. I look in the mirror and dislike not only what I see but what I feel. I am in love though, I think, and would like to become a person that he deserves. I want to be more myself. I’m tired of feeling so ill all the time; mentally ill and physically ill. I don’t want to carry around guilt I don’t deserve. This boy that I’m pretty sure I’m in love with– he makes me forget sometimes that I’m unhappy. I think that’s a good sign. But, I don’t know, honestly. I just want to have like the cliche moment where I feel alive and loved and I know I need to get over it and make myself happy and stop relying on something else or someone else to happen or do it for me but I’m lost, a little, I think. Damnit.