I’m pretty sure I’m depressed. Again. …
I’m pretty sure I’m depressed. Again. I’ve always felt that I was depressed but had an especially bad four months three years ago when I seriously contemplated suicide and actually went to see a therapist. It helped a lot, at least until my Mom died two years ago. I think that the fact that I am able to keep living, that life has to go on even though she is dead bothers me more then anything. These past couple months have been really bad and I’ve been wondering if I’m actually depressed or if I’m just feeling down, like everyone does sometimes. But I’ve been reading some stuff online, and I feel like I am actually depressed. But I don’t want to tell anyone. Everyone has there own shit to deal with — why would they want to deal with mine? I’m just so sick of trying to so hard to be happy. I either feel numb or just want to lay in bed and cry. I keep thinking that maybe if I just do something, keep busy I will be ok…but as soon as I stop my emotions catch up with me and I just feel like I’m never going to really be happy. I have good friends, and family who love me, a good home, a Dad who loves me. I know that I should be thankful and happy for what I have, because there are people who have far less…but I can’t help it.
John Hal 9:09 pm on February 13, 2010 Permalink |
It was early in the morning, and I’d barely woken up. Thoughts of anguish and torment fresh in my head. I sat down on my Facebook and began to write. I poured my being into two conversations with myself with no rational reason behind my actions. I waited for a while, and later in the day, she commented. She asked where I’d been comming up with these wonderful things. I said that my mind is a wonderous place, but my mouth fouls the thoughts whenever I vocalize them. From then on, we talked. I don’t know why I did it, but I opened myself to her. I asked her if she thought I should die. I had been planning to off myself on that friday, two bottles of sleeping pills. Quick and painless. She told me that I shouldn’t. She said that she found more value in our conversations over the past few days than she’d found in a long time. I believed her, and I kept talking to her. She loves music, absolutely loves it. She literally has a song for every sentance possible. As we talked and listened to eachother’s words and songs, my heart reached out to her, and one day, I realized that I loved her. I had to say it online, I would have never found the courage to tell her face to face. I told her, and it was one of the best feelings I’d ever had, to open myself to someone and not be rejected. My old name, the one associated with all my pain and suffering, needed to be replaced, so that there would be a title that fit the new me. I chose John Hal, and by god, I’ve never been happier.
NEVER
GIVE
UP
Arizmic 11:01 pm on February 14, 2010 Permalink |
You are right in times like these it feels as though you cannot help it. I guess I would say that I would look deep within yourself and ask if you have really come to terms with your mothers death? I know that is hard to hear, and even harder to do, but it is important in the healing process. As you very well may know there are the 5 stages of dying: Denial Anger Bargaining Depression Acceptance. Although you are not dying you are still dealing with the death of a loved one. Honestly, you could still be stuck in the depression stage, as it is not an easy one to “kick” (or get out of).
I am sure you could go crazy and google everything there is on the stages and how to cope or move on but this was the site I found and liked: http://oldfashionedliving.com/dying.html
If you need to talk about it and cannot afford another visit to the therapist, I am sure the wonderful people of Venting Tree would be more than happy to talk with you, I know I would.
Sincerely,
Arizimic
Ps. John Hal, Congratulations, and Live life to the fullest I am happy you are still alive.