It not fair how I’ve dealt with a lifetime of troubles in my 16 years. No friends till eight grade….

It not fair how I’ve dealt with a lifetime of troubles in my 16 years. No friends till eight grade. made fun of for unknown reasons! Parents have been divorced since I was 3 or 4. My grandmother is so freakin’ manipulative. I’ve been suicidal for five years (I’ve had depression longer.) I used to be a cutter. I spend most of my time in my room reading and writing. I have average grades. Everyone always talks about how great my sister is and how smart she is. I have trust and abandonment issues. Every time something good happens in my life it backfires after a few months. No matter how much I want to let go I promised my best friend I wouldn’t. I hate it how people talk about me behind my back. I just want to shove their little gossiping right back in their pathetic, stuck-up faces!!! I hate who I am! I don’t get why God does this to me. My dad might die in a few years, mom is probably going to lose her job next month. My cousin looks like hes knocking on death’s door (he does drugs and it’s taking it’s toll on him.) Sometimes I just want to scream at people telling them to shut up and deal with their own problems! I wish people knew how much I wanted to have more friends. I only have 3 actual friends (two of which are more like an acquaintance). I’m scared what the future holds for me. I’m scared that the troubles won’t end. That I’m going to be dealing with trouble after trouble my whole life. I hate being abandoned by friends. They leave me for popularity. I try to look happy at school. It hurts so much when I’m the only person who doesn’t get a partner when we go off into groups for a project. If only people could feel the pain I feel everyday. Sometimes I pray that I’ll die. I’m tired of being the pity friend. people in my grade only talk to me because I’m standing all alone. Well, what if I don’t want your frickin’ pity!? I just want an actual friend, not a pity friend! I want someone to talk to. I never chose to be a loner.